Unexpected Feeling

I really struggled with this months blog topic.

I had too many ideas to write about - which isn’t a bad thing. But I wanted to make sure I created the RIGHT post, which is almost more pressure than coming up with ideas for the post.

The most surprising feedback I have gotten from my book is, “what’s next?” or “we want more!” This book came about because I felt in my spirit that God was telling me that my story can make a difference to others and to see it come to fruition is something unexplainable.

This reminded me that I am meant to share what is happening in my life in these posts and how I am ensuring to include building my relationship with God throughout it. So, the top thing happening right now for me is…

Navigating motherhood

My daughter is now 4-months old and she is reaching milestones quickly. Smiling, babbling, rolling. Everyday she truly blows me away and shows me how incredible God is. I know everyone says their child is fantastic and I am definitely no different.

Being a mom has come with a lot of new unexpected emotions that I have never experienced. I had developed postpartum anxiety immediately after giving birth which resulted in me being fearful of pretty much everything. Nervous about anyone holding her, worried that I am not producing enough milk, uncertain about vaccines and other healthcare measures hurting her long-term, worried about my pets being too close to her. Even uncertain that I am worthy of this blessing that I have received. The social media reels do not help.

Before I was pregnant and even during my pregnancy I believed after a few months of the newborn stage we would be able to incorporate our baby in life as we know it to be. I did not expect to have these emotions I have now. I expected myself to continue to grow rapidly in my career and travel for work. But now my maternity leave is coming to an end and, oh, how the tables have turned.

I used to be excited about my job. Loved to travel. Couldn’t wait to learn what my next project was and where it would be. Hoping there was an opportunity for it to be international. Excited to see what the next project would be and didn’t think twice about the number of hours it would take to be successful.

But now.. Finding childcare or someone I trust to watch my daughter makes me anxious. The idea of not being home to put her to sleep at night brings a literal tear to my eye.

So, why am I now dreading my return?

How do I get out of this anxious cycle?

I know this isn’t healthy and I know I am reverting back to my old ways of overthinking things. Putting plans or ideas in place where they are not necessary. It is not supposed to be like this.

After about a month of my overwhelming anxiety I finally started to pray about it. In praying about it I found talking through my areas of concern helped to identify solutions for them or the realization that they are nothing I needed to be concerned about. I actually started doing this outside of prayer as well throughout my day and in conversations with others.

An example for this is when I have concern about others holding my daughter I remember that the people I have around me care for me and my family. Most have also held many babies before. She is safe and they have no intention of harming her.

As silly as this may sound it has really helped.

So now I know I need to do this to help find ease in returning to work next week. I love being an engineer and with this economy we need a consistent income. God has continued to provide me opportunities where necessary and guided me to be successful in all of my assignments. If/when travel comes, I will work with my boyfriend and my community to ensure my daughter is covered. I know they will be there.

The reality is, I do not know when I will need to travel next, so there is no need to be concerned about it now.

Trust me - this is difficult and some days it works better than others. New roles and responsibilities are tough and evoke feelings we may never have had before. Navigating the life that continues to go on around them is even tougher.

I continue to remind myself that amazing days are ahead because God has entrusted me with the greatest blessing I didn’t even know I needed.

For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.

Philippians 2:13

What is your newest responsibility that God has entrusted you with and what are your feelings surrounding it?