Trying to Find Nicole Again

This is how my latest personal journal entry ended.

“Trying to find Nicole again”

The past few months have been tough for me. I am sure many people can relate to how difficult it is to get back into a routine again with a new baby or when there has been any addition to your life. Last year I had a lot going on between being pregnant with my first child, moving back into my home after pushing for all the fire repairs to get done before the birth of my child, preparing my first book to get published while , continuing to be my best self at my corporate job, and navigating my relationship during all the chaos.

So, when someone tells me to ensure I take time for myself, I have to be honest, I get frustrated. Because after all of these life changing events and while being a mom to a 8-month old baby girl, this is unfortunately the last thing I am trying to think about. Trying to find something to do for myself seems like an additional task that I don’t have time for. I am not the same person I was before all of these events, so those things that I did before I was a mom, an author, and a house fire survivor just do not bring me joy.

With all of that said, I have learned that the best moments of joy for me are those moments that are not forced. Funny enough, God has shown up in all of these random “time for myself” moments that I didn’t intend on having.

One day when I first returned to maternity leave I noticed that I had pain in my lower back while I was sitting at my laptop. I started to reflect on the impact pregnancy had on my body and figured it wouldn’t hurt to look into seeing a chiropractor. I had never seen a chiropractor before nor ever contemplated seeing one, but at this moment, I decided this is what I needed to do.

I didn’t expect my spine to be in perfect alignment, but I was in shock when I saw the initial x-rays. My hips were completely out of alignment, my spine had additional curves where it shouldn’t, and my neck was completely straight (there is supposed to be a slight curve). There was no way that this all came from my pregnancy, but from years of working on a computer and unfortunately, leftover damage from the car accident 13 years ago. I love being active and I don’t want to have any issues in the future that could impact my daughter, so I knew I should figure out a way to get my spine in the healthiest alignment possible.

After reviewing my X-rays the chiropractor started to talk through the finance options. I started to panic. Finances have been tough lately between navigating an additional responsibility and catching up from additional fire costs. I looked up and saw a “God is Good” sign above his desk reminding me that if it is meant to happen there will always be a way. Sure enough, there was. We worked out a way to have the costs within a budget that would work with my HSA funds.

But God wasn’t done.

Soon after that it was shared at the beginning of a church service that there were a few new bible studies starting up. Specifically, there would be a womans bible study focusing on the book of Ephesians. Now, this is something I have never done before. But I felt my spirit telling me to sign up. Not only am I trying to build my relationship with God for myself, I am also trying to help other women heal and encourage them to grow with God, and I am trying to find what I enjoy doing again. This was something I had to do.

And I loved it.

Not only did this Bible study gave me time to myself every Monday evening, time to meet with other women and expand my biblical knowledge, this also made me start to learn how to promote myself again. On the first day I was very tempted to fall back into my old ways of drifting to the back and listening to everyone share their own thoughts and opinions. But I felt this strange push to share my thoughts without having an internal fear of being wrong or judged. Which was completely opposite of how I had felt prior in my life. It also helped to be in a room with women who were so welcoming and eager to learn more about me.

A few weeks into the Bible study, I had found myself getting to know people and continuing to look forward to discussing the chapter on the docket for that session. This evening in particular, we were asked to share out testimonies with one another. Internally I heard “Here you go, now is your chance. This is the time to promote your book.”.

Before my book I had never been a person to share what I had been through with people I barely knew. Many people I knew for years had no idea I had been hit by a car and suffered a severe TBI. I would think to myself, other people have been through difficult situations or worse. No one needs to hear my story.

I have to be honest - I felt myself falling back into my old ways and almost didn’t do it. Would they want to read my book? What if they judge me? Why would they buy it?

Then we found ourselves at the end of the session. I still hadn’t shared and I was sitting there shaking internally knowing God provided me this opportunity. Finally, I took a deep breath and said “I know there wasn’t time for me to share my testimony, but I did write a book about it if you are eager to learn more and potentially help you grow past your own experiences.” The women around me immediately stopped packing up their things and asked me to share more details and my anxiety melted away.

So, despite me feeling there was too much difficulty in finding time for myself, I was doing it without putting in much effort. I’m getting my body back to a healthy place, I was challenging myself, and I’m growing mentally.

I would be lying if there still weren’t days that I found myself back in the mundane tasks of just making it through every day without making time for myself. I have even found myself distancing from God for a bit because I was so lost in the day to day life turmoil and a bit sad that I had found myself in a cycle I wasn’t planning on finding myself in.

But slowly I am finding that while I will never be the Nicole I was before 2025, there are pieces of me that is still there, and the things I enjoy now may be similar to what I enjoyed before just with a more exciting twist. The chriopractor and bible study is just a start to finding myself again.

I don’t believe you need to intentionally look for ways to make time for yourself. If you are open to the opportunity, God will lead you there.

What is a moment that you have found yourself in this past week that bring has brought joy?

“A person’s spirit can endure sickness, but who can survive a broken spirit?”

Proverbs 17:14