A Different Strength
Don’t worry - this isn’t another birth trauma story.
The past month has been an emotional roller coaster watching my daughter make changes daily and adapting to life as a mom. While the emotions started before she was born they definitely elevated when we brought her home. If I’m being honest the first day I was home from the hospital I spent all day in bed with tears in my eyes between feeding my daughter. The pain and emotions that I went through over my almost 48 hours of labor was suddenly plaguing me and I was suffering from a bit of PTSD.
I know it is nothing special. A lot of women have traumatic birth stories, but I was trying to do everything I could to ensure I was not one of them. For me, that included not listening to any of them to keep myself in the most positive headspace possible. When I arrived to the hospital after about 36 hours of contractions at home, I said a quick prayer asking God for a successful labor and delivery as I mapped out how I was going to stay active and keep my mind positive until delivery. I requested a birthing ball and made a place on the floor to do some stretches. I didn’t want to be stuck in the hospital bed.
Up to this day I felt I had done everything I thought I needed to do to prepare to give birth without an epidural. I worked out throughout my whole pregnancy. I drank the teas recommended. I ate dates. I practiced taking my mind to a warm, positive place while holding ice in my hand.
I wouldn’t say I underestimated what was in front of me, but I definitely did not expect what was ahead of me. The plan was to have a natural birth - no medication or intervention.
After leaning on my mom and boyfriend for support and trying to keep myself comfortable after an additional 8 hours of contractions, I found myself in the hospital bed and stared out the window into the darkness. Mentally I was terrified of what was ahead and dreading the next contraction that was going to make my whole body shake. I closed my eyes as I begged God to give me strength. When my eyes opened I looked at my mom and boyfriend and said,
“I need to get the epidural.”
My birth definitely did not go as planned. But I believe at that moment God did give me strength - the strength that was needed to make the decision that I did not want to make. To get the epidural. While it was not the PHYSICAL strength that I was hoping to get, it was the MENTAL strength I needed to make the best choice for myself and my daughter. He also helped me to not see myself as a failure because I did not end up having a complete natural delivery.
Now when it was time for the epidural I did say more prayers as the needle entered my spine praying for the physical strength to stay still so I would not be permanently paralyzed and in that moment I got my wishes.
So at the end of the first day we arrived home, when I got past being overwhelmed by the birth trauma I faced, I realized that all 3 strengths will be needed to raise my daughter - physical, mental, and emotional. And there may be other types of strength that I am missing. But the most important thing to understand is sometimes, the strength you believe you need is not the one you truly need. However, God will always ensure that you have the strength you need when you trust in Him.
“In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.”
Psalms 31:1-2 NIV
What strength do you feel you need in this season of life?
